How many will do the right thing?

The Oscars are to be awarded in a few days, Sunday, March 4 to be exact.  One of the traditions is the swag bag that is given to the nominees. So as these deeply concerned citizens that lend their faces, voices, and opinions to the woes of the current state of affairs in these United States of America I was wondering what they may do with the $100,000 worth of gifts in their swag bags.? 

The following opinion employs hyperbole, a rhetorical technique that dates to ancient Greece, in which the author deliberately and wildly exaggerates for the purpose of entertaining, informing, exciting and persuading. Certain statements in it should not be taken literally.
 

 

Astute reporter: I can't help but notice that you are carrying your swag bag,

Nominee: Yes and let me tell you no one has seen the troubles that I have seen to earn this bag of crumbs!

Astute reporter: Oh, can you extrapolate on the horrors so that your dedicated slobbering idiot followers can know those normally unspeakable things that I am sure has left permanent scars on you.

Nominee: (chocking back crocodile tears) Why should I waste my valuable time! Empathy is NOT something they could EVER understand. They could never walk a mile in MY ruby studded moccasins.

Astute reporter: That may be true but I believe an understanding would help them worship you even more.

Nominee: Well in that case. The rivers are deep and the mountains are high. You can never know how many times I was forced to sigh. The studios insisting that I do interviews and readings and casting calls. The very nerve of the casting piss ons expecting ME to show up before noon!! Have you ever? Don't get me started about the director. What a total nim wit.

Astute reporter: That does sound like a nightmare on Elm Street. How you survived I'll never understand. I'm sure that everyone wants to know what you plan to do with the $100,000 worth of goodies. At this time I should make it clear to all that you will have to pay taxes on the goodies in the bag.

Nominee: You see!!! The tribulations hoist upon me never ends. I have to pay taxes on gifts!

Astute reporter: But we all have to pay taxes.

Nominee: That's what's wrong! We need to become a socialist society. Then there will be no taxes and everyone will be equal.

Astute reporter: In that type of society the Government takes things away from the achievers and spreads it around to everyone so that all are equal in their possessions. So what you are saying is that you will donate all the things in the swag bag to charity.

Nominee: What planet are you from? I earned these things, they are mine!

Astute reporter: But you said at the beginning that they are crumbs and that you want a socialist society. One that helps their fellow man and has what you have. You know, your sacrifice is THEIR sacrifice.

Nominee: You are miss quoting me!! Their pleasure is watching the crap I play in for their entertainment. I sacrifice for them!! Hey, I really like that suit you are wearing. Guards, pull your weapons and strip him. That suit will look better on me at the next Oscar presentations. And remember kids, don't be a Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker. DON'T GET CAUGHT fooling the dumb masses. You know, like your parents.